Roughly a decade ago, it was kind of a funny little aside with my contemporaries when we all were approaching 50 and started receiving membership solicitations from the AARP. It was all jolly good fun, because 50 wasn’t so bad and we got discounts at Motel 6 and the movies.
Today, I received my monthly AARP magazine and was appalled by the cover.
There, staring straight at me was…
…no. Not Brooke Shields. I mean, yes. Brooke Shields is on the cover, looking radiant in all her 58-year-old glory. And yes, it was jarring to see the subject of so many of my youthful… um… appreciations… on the cover of AARP magazine.
But Brooke was not the cause of me blowing a… fuse.
That short circuit was triggered by a little sidebar title in the upper left corner of the cover:
“THIS IS 50
I’m Alone – And Happy!
The Joys of Living Solo as a Gen Xer”
[Author pauses to let that sink in]
That’s right, my fellow boomers: AARP has moved on. To Gen Xers. AARP has sold all our boomer mailing addresses to publishers of “Prostate Illustrated” and “Coffin and Urn” magazines. It (AARP) clearly no longer has any use for us.
The Census Bureau defines baby boomers as "…individuals born in the United States between mid-1946 and mid-1964.”
I am not 100% sure what the Census Bureau means by “mid-1964”, but seeing as how we’re in April 2024, I’m guessing we’re pretty f-ing close to falling off the boomer cliff. Which means that the youngest of the baby boomers, including yours truly, are turning 60 in the next couple of months and are ready for the AARP shredder (“Free with a five-year membership!”)
Gen X, by the way, is defined as those born from 1965 to 1980. So, to all my young(ish) friends who are sitting there, smugly eating their avocado toast at brunch and downloading Beyonce’s new album, stand back and stand by. The grim reaper is sharpening his scythe and can’t wait to get to know you! And he just bought your name from a giant marketing database provided by none other than the A.A. motherf-ing R.P.
C’mon in, Gen X! The water is cold, and dark, and deep. And your swimsuit from last year is juuust a bit snug.
Deal with it.