Random Year-End Thoughts…

…or, “Why My Brain is Full of Sh*t.”

(Bill’s ingenious retirement plan)

Sometimes I have an idea that turns out to NOT be enough of an idea to sustain an entire post. It just sits in my iPhone notes, forlornly waiting to be deleted, an idea whose time will never come.

Except, I never throw ANYTHING out. So now I have an iPhone full of quarter-baked ideas, which when added-up come out to a half-baked idea.

Hence, this post.

- As stated, I have lots of stupid ideas. Most of them pass like a barely acknowledged gnat on a warm summer’s evening. Or a dry leaf in October. Unheralded, unremarkable, unnoticed. But every now and then, I act on a stupid idea, and it pays off. Sort of.

One of those stupid ideas occurred to me in 2014. I read an article in some business publication about how limited-edition Lego sets were all the rage. So, I bought one in 2014. It is a cargo ship.

I put it on a shelf in the basement and forget about it. Fast forward eight years and something in my brain says “Hey! What ever happened to that dopey Lego set?”

I found it in the basement, untouched and still sealed. I looked to see what it was going for on eBay. They are selling for between $350-$400. I paid $150.

You’re probably thinking “Genius! He’s investing in Lego sets and earning about a 12% annualized ROI!”

Or you’re thinking “Idiot! He would have to buy about 22 bazillion of those sets to earn any kind of usable return.”

Well, you’re right.

It will soon be listed on eBay and I will take my approximate $200 windfall and… buy NFTs. I know that they’re going to be HUGE in 2023.

- Speaking of buying shit (literally), this happened recently: We always clean up after Dyson when he avails himself of the entire world as his toilet during walks. To do this, we purchase a steady supply of poop bags.

During the holidays, we were running low on bags, so I searched for them on Amazon. Except instead of typing “poop BAGS” I just typed “poop” and hit return.

I was stunned at the breadth and depth of offerings of fake poop and poop-adjacent goods. It’s quite something. In addition to your garden variety fake poop that you can leave on someone’s car, desk or pillow (or in their garden) for a moment of all-out hilarity, there are also (in no particular order):

• different poop from different species;

• poop-shaped soap;

• stuffed poop toys for the kids;

• a remote-controlled poop (not sure what it’s all about, but you can bet someone reading this is getting one next year for Christmas);

• make your own edible poop candy sets (seems… ill-advised for a variety for reasons. You do the math.);

• Poop: The Board Game;

• A poop slingshot toy (it flings fake, plastic poop, but you can always get medieval);

• Argyle socks that say “Love Me a Good Poop” on them;

• A poop emoji pen that farts when you click on it to write;

• Poop stickers;

• A poop waffle maker (that certain chef in your life would LOVE the waffle maker/candy set combo);

• A wall calendar with photos of dogs pooping (throwing Dyson’s name into the mix for the 2024 edition
  #royalties
  #BiggerPaydayThanLegoInvesting);

• A poop knife (no idea…);

• Poop-shaped slippers (if you accidently step in something in the morning before breakfast, you’re still good to go for the day);

• A t-shirt that just says “POOP” on it.

And that is just page 1 of Amazon’s results.

This shopping list needs no further commentary save this: In 5,000,000 years, when visitors from Alpha Centauri try to figure out when the beginning of the end of the human race started, they will likely trace it back to all the poop offerings on Amazon.

- Mayonnaise eggnog: Hellman’s tried a holiday PR campaign this year wherein the company offered up recipes for eggnog that replaced the eggs with mayonnaise.

Missed it? Nice work! You dodged that culinary bullet like Keanu Reaves dodged bullets in the first “Matrix” movie. Well done, you.

Except that I revise my previous bullet point: In 5,000,000 years, when visitors from Alpha Centauri try to figure out when the beginning of the end of the human race started, they will likely trace it back to mayonnaise eggnog.


- Years ago, I had a personal blog (since taken down by me) and every Friday I would write a few haikus to summarize the news events of the week. (It was fun until it wasn’t.)

I’ve decided to end our 2022 newsletter postings with this haiku that pretty much sums up the year that was:

“The Bejing games sucked.
Then Putin attacked Ukraine.
Then, QE2 died.”

Happy new year. May it be filled with rainbows, unicorns and Lego sets.

And less poop.