I had intended to make this a serious post about the importance of local newspapers to our democracy.
Then I saw my local newspaper and couldn’t resist writing THIS instead. (It’s semi-serious, I guess.)
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We have real issues facing our democracy on the local, state and federal levels, but it’s nice to know that this recent story can make the front page, above the fold, of my local daily:
CT condo complex requires dog DNA testing to crack down on poop cleanup
Yes, the biggest local news on June 11 was that people in a local homeowner’s association (HOA) were not picking up their dog’s poop, so the board of the association decided to enact a program of dog and dog poop DNA testing and matching, to help curb (pun intended) the problem of inconsiderate dog owners not picking up after their dog does it on someone else’s property.
It works like this: The HOA requires all dog owners to submit a DNA sample of their dog. Then, if someone finds a poop on their lawn, they can collect it, send it to the property manager, who will then send the poop to a lab that will match the DNA in the poop to the doggy DNA database and – WHAM! – the offending owner is fined.
(I’m sure that when Ben Franklin created the U.S. Postal Service and became this country’s first postmaster general, he had exactly THIS particular use of the mail in mind…)
At this point, you may be shaking or nodding your head for any number of reasons.
But, as a responsible dog owner, and as a resident and former board member of a HOA, I can say this sh*t is serious business (pun intended.)
For those of you who don’t own dogs and/or don’t live in an HOA, I’ll illustrate it as simply as possible:
If I walked onto your front lawn and pooped on it, you’d be pretty pissed. You might call the police. Or worse.
Well, for all practical purposes, poop is poop, and you don’t want any of it on your lawn, especially if you are not a dog owner or even if (like me) you weren’t raised by wolves (pun intended) and were led to believe you can do whatever you want, wherever you want, with no consequences.
But then again, this is part of the American experience in 2024. We could live like responsible citizens and just not be complete assholes and respect our neighbors, but that would be too easy. So instead, we have another layer of government (the HOA), which adds several more layers of bureaucracy and brings in a high-tech solution to solve a problem that if we all just had basic manners and civility, would be unnecessary.
It’s symbolic of any flavor of modern-day douchebaggery, from the guy who golfs 4x/week but hasn’t worked in 15 years because he is gaming the worker’s comp system, to the people who take off shoes and socks on an airplane, to the woman who, on her way home from Zumba class, parks in handicapped parking at the grocery store (“I have a permit!”)
The solution? It’s not more religion, or civics lessons at school or a bigger police force. How about just picking someone we admire and asking “What would _______ do?” Fill in the blank with whomever - Jesus, your grandma Betty, Dwight Eisenhower – and then reconsider whatever it is we were about to do. If we honestly believe that Grandma Betty would have flung a handful of her own feces on her neighbor’s yard, then go for it. Otherwise, stop, think and let’s NOT be THAT dickhead. We’ll all be the better for it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Costco to return the Christmas tree we bought last December. It appears to have died and I want my money back.