For a substantial part of the history of the personal computer industry, it has been de rigueur to hate, make fun of and otherwise winge and whine about Microsoft and its outsize role and influence in said PC industry, as well as its mediocre products (as has been said on occasion.)
From the nascent days, when Bill Gates convinced IBM to buy a nonexistent operating system for IBM’s newly invented PCs, through the antitrust trial, browser wars and Ballmer’s Monkey Boy Dance, to the Copilot AI of today, Microsoft has been a source of and focal point for hate and derision, especially by prissy Apple aficionados and open-source dweebs.
Let me say that I was never among the Microsnot [sic] haters, despite suffering from the same headaches as everyone else. Both Windows Me and Vista worked just fine for me, relatively speaking. Sure, there were the “Blue Screens of Death” and driver conflicts, and non-functioning network printers. But mostly, Windows and Office just worked, allowing me to effectively run my little business out of a spare bedroom for 25 years.
I have since wound down the business and now my time spent on my Windows PC is mostly:
⁃ writing this silly newsletter;
⁃ checking stock prices;
⁃ looking for heart-healthy recipes that I can print and surreptitiously leave on EK’s pillow as a subtle hint (air fried Twinkies! )
The last one - printing - is where this story comes full circle, and I might finally join the ranks of Microsoft haters.
You might recall that I had a trusted IBM (not Lenovo, that’s how old it was) ThinkPad that I nursed along for the better part of 13 years. Well, I finally replaced that coughing, wheezing, sclerotic computer in 2022 with a svelte, speedy Samsung number running Windows 11 Home.
Windows 11 is a fine operating system. Recently, however, I have bumped up against a couple of minor inconveniences associated with the Home version of Windows 11, as opposed to Pro. One of them is that networking and network printing are not as doable (for me) on Windows Home. We have a wireless network printer that EK and I share, and it keeps disconnecting. Pro allows me to get into network settings and fix this in a way that Home does not. Plus, Windows Pro has some cool security features that I want.
I quickly search how to upgrade from Windows Home to Pro and find out that there is an easy process that can be done right through Windows settings and a quick download directly from the Microsoft store, for the reasonable price of $99.
I’m in. I give Microsoft my credit card, the download commences and when complete, the install starts.
The install gets to 98% and… HERE WE GO. I get an onscreen message that says:
“We couldn’t complete the upgrade. No need to worry – undoing changes. Please keep your computer on.”
OK.
Windows does its thing, rolls everything back, and reboots back to where I was – Windows Home, working almost perfectly (except for networked printing.)
But I want Pro. And I have now PAID for Pro, so I try again.
Same thing.
Well, this clearly is not going to work, so I proceed to go into my Microsoft account to initiate a refund.
One click on the refund link takes me to a… “PAGE NOT FOUND.”
Since I just made a purchase, I arrange to have a Microsoft Teams session with a Microsoft sales associate the next day to help me with my new purchase. I tell them in my appointment request EXACTLY why I was requesting this session. Maybe they can get it installed.
The next day, I get the Teams link, log in, we introduce ourselves and I tell him again what was happening:
Microsoft guy: “I’m sorry Mr. Baker. We can’t do tech support.”
[“Hello Mr. Dante, and welcome! I will be your guide into Hell today…”]
Me: “But I bought a Pro upgrade, it won’t install, and I told you in my appointment request why I wanted this session.”
MS Guy: “You’ll have to call tech support.”
Me: “Is that free?”
MSG: “There will be a charge.”
Me: “But I bought a defective product – FROM YOU. Now you want me to pay extra to get it to work as advertised?”
MSG: “I’m sorry. You can always request a refund.”
Me: “I tried. The page is dead.”
MSG: “Then you’ll have to call.”
Me: “Why can’t you just give me the refund?”
MSG: “I can’t do that.”
Me: “What is it exactly that you do?”
MSG: “I help people get familiar with their new Microsoft purchases.”
Me: “But that assumes the purchase actually works.”
MSG: “Yes.”
Me: “You should examine your life choices.”
MSG: “If that’s all, thank you for contacting Microsoft.”
<click – MS Guy ends session>
[Shit’s gettin’ real. Welcome to the River Styx.]
So, I call the phone number. The automated system asks me what I want. I tell it and it directs me to my online account to request a refund - the SAME place that took me to a dead page yesterday - and then hangs up on me.
Mother f…
I call back. The Microsoft automated system RECOGNIZES MY PHONE NUMBER, tells me to go to the online account page, and hangs up on me again, this time with ZERO input from me.
HOLY MOTHER F…!
So, I use a DIFFERENT phone, choose a different menu option, and get through to a woman who is clearly not within 12 times zones of me. The quality of the phone line is circa Alexander Graham Bell. (How is this still possible in 2024???)
But she is very nice, and I explain to her what has happened, and she offers a refund, but suggests that I upgrade in a different way.
I’m all ears.
MS Gal: “Instead of upgrading through the Microsoft Store, you can buy an upgrade license and just enter the activation code.”
Me: “Great! Let’s do this!”
MSG: “The cost is $200.”
Me: “What now?”
MSG: “The activation upgrade is $200.”
Me: “But the other way was half that price. It didn’t work. Can you just give me the activation code and forget about my refund?”
MSG: “No, I’m afraid I can’t do that. The upgrade using an activation code costs $200.”
[“You must be Satan, about whom I’ve heard so much.”]
Me: “So, let me get this straight. You sell an upgrade version that DOES NOT WORK for $100, but if I want something that actually works, that is double the price?”
MSG: “Well, I wouldn’t put it like that…”
Me: “How would you put it?”
MSG: “I can refund your original purchase and then sell you an activation code for $200.”
Me: “Yes, we’ve covered that. I would just like a refund for the non-working version.”
MSG: “OK. I will process that for you. While we are waiting for your refund to go through, can I ask you if you are familiar with Copilot Pro, our premium AI service?”
Me: “Wait. Are you trying to upsell me on some other product?”
MSG: “I just wanted to make you aware…”
[“Satan should be working for YOU!”]
Me (interrupting): “I don’t know what they call it wherever you are, but my people call that ‘chutzpah.’ Hard pass.”
MSG: “OK. Thank you for calling Microsoft.”
So, my nearly 35-year amicable relationship with the Evil Empire may finally be coming to an end. I am going to stick with Windows Home and curse the printing gods every couple of weeks. And, since I no longer really need a computer for business, I am seriously thinking that my next computer purchase might be (gulp)… an overpriced, over-designed Apple product, just because.
But that is not likely to happen for at least a decade, and by then I plan to be a human battery cell, making my little contribution to powering the Matrix and serving my AI overlord: Microsoft Copilot Supreme ($299 for an activation code. No refunds.)