For those of you convinced that civilization is in decline, I’ll just leave this here:
I am now an ordained minister.
<author pauses so reader can clean up spit-take of beverage>
“How in the name of all that is good and holy did THAT happen?”, you ask.
Well, I’m here to tell you it was NOT an arduous years- or decades-long spiritual journey with study, fasting and silent retreats in the misty mountains of Madagascar.
Nope. It took about 90 seconds to fill out a form online.
So, yeah. The pillars of Judeo-Christian norms and rituals are lying in a shattered heap in my backyard, next to the lawnmower shed and an old hammock.
Look on the bright side: My ministry requires NOTHING of anyone. I was thinking about instituting a devotional demand that whenever anyone sees me, they have to buy me a decent cup of coffee and a Rolls-Royce, but my cardiologist vetoed it on the grounds (no pun intended) of atrial fibrillation risk and the stress of being the subject of a “60 Minutes” exposé.
So, you’re safe from what might have been a tyrannically imposed and expensive act of fealty.
You might also be asking: “Why did you need to become an ordained minister?”
That’s the fun part. My niece Michelle, who was a single digit, gap-toothed flower girl at our own wedding in 2003, is getting married next year and she and her fiancé Austin asked me to officiate.
You’d have to ask them why they thought this was a good idea, but after I got over the surprise at being asked and the shock that six-year-old Michelle is old enough to be getting married, thereby officially and permanently conferring “old guy” status on me, I can honestly say (and I am being sincere here) that I was truly moved and honored to be asked and I take it seriously. So, that means showing up with the proper credentials and luckily, the internet abides.
So, there you have it. In addition to my long and storied career that includes neurosurgeon, federal circuit court judge and 4x Formula One champion, I am an ordained minister.
Now, I have to contact my accountant and find out if I can donate my F1 and Nobel prize money to my new ministry which, of course, is 100% tax exempt.
Go in peace.